Oh those troubling thoughts...

My helpless son, whom I love way too much, has kicked me to the curb for my mother in law. He who would smile up at me, he who holds my heart in the palm of his lttle, drool covered hand has taken my heart and squashed it between those little sticky fingers. Like a bug. Squashed.

I can't seem to put him to sleep or comfort him as I have in the past 15 weeks. Doesn't he know we had a bond, doesn't he think about me anymore? He's obviously unaware of how much satisfaction and sense of accomplishment I got out of being able to put him down for the night or he wouldn't have hit me in the gut, in my soft underbelly.

Betrayed.

Yippee!!! Funny how diapers can excite me.

Even before my little puppy was born I was curious about cloth diapers. They seemed so much better for the environment & my pocket, the only deterrant was the price & just how do you get started with them without losing out on too much money? Well, http://www.jilliansdrawers.com/ has a trial package that in the end costs $10.00 to try. They take a $110. deposit & then credit the difference once returned after 21 days. I liked this.

So after anxiously awating the arrival of these diapers they arrived in record time. Thank goodness since I can only handle so much anxiety! I received 2 chinese prefolds, one bumgenius organic, one fuzzibuns pocket & insert, one bumgenius one size pocket with 2 inserts, a thirsties pocket all in one, one thirsties fab fitted, one thirsties cover & a snappi fastener.

First of all I have to say that puppy looks sooo cute in them I don't even want to put clothes over them! They are a bit bulkier than disposable but not too bad. They are soft as hell & I would love some for myself for if my pd ever comes back! Maybe they'll have adult sizes once I become incontinent & can't wipe my ass. Note to self made.

Okay, the chinese prefolds are history, I'm not going to wash these several times before the first use & I'm sure as hell not going to fold & fasten every time I change a diaper. The only use for me would be to use as inserts & I will find used ones for that before washing several times. The organic bumgenius is history,too. I'm just not spending $25 on one diaper, period.

I really like the use of snaps by fuzzibuns better than velcro. The velcro holds but then it catches on everything & gets clogged with lint & while they provide a closure for the wash somethimes they still come loose & cling to other diapers. The fuzzibuns is sized & looks too big on puppy right now, I wish I could have tried a one size to see how they expand with growth. I like the bumgenius pocket one size, even with the velcro(ok so I don't HATE the velcro) & I like how it expands. I like the thirsties pocket all in one as well. I am conflicted about the thirsties fab fitted & cover. On one hand the cover is nice because you could mix & match to outfits etc, on the other hand it's an additional cost & laundry item, a second step all over the place, this is not ideal for my life right now.

I think if I make the investment into cloth diapers I'll probably go with something along the lines of pockets or all in ones, one size. I might not mind a few like the fab fitted with covers but that won't constitute the bulk of my purchase.

A girl I know has some used diapers she wants to sell & I'll keep this in mind when I look at them. I also will be watching http://www.diaperswappers.com/ to see if i can find any good used diapers at a good price. There may be other sites to research used diapers, too. I think the investment will be worth it from my pocketbook & to the environment.

The only downside is that when puppy starts to eat solids & his poops are messier the diapers are supposed to get an additional rinse. I have a 300 ft. well & don't like the idea of it drying up & having to drill another at whatever the cost per inch is right now (I've heard that it could be $6.00 per inch but that may be an antiquated cost.).

Diapers & poop, who would have thought I'd have so much interest.

Let me see that dirty one, is it the right color? The right consistancy? hmmm...

Funny how exhaustion just settles in

and then how you can get used to it.

Well, on another note. I love how our new president isn't afraid to be real & have fun. I know he's not the first to do things like this but it is sooo refreshing for me to see it from a leader I support. Mr. Obama was on the Conan O'Brian show when he was running for the presidency. This week Consie (or Conando, as I prefer) started his run as leader of the Tonight Show, taking over from Jay Leno. Don't ya know they had a clip with the man commenting about this. I love it! I love that he made time to be humorous & light & real.

I'm going to sleep if the little monster let's me...

At work

& starting my time of being back in the store three days a week. I have mixed feelings about it all. On one hand I can not stand being away from my boy. I hate that someone else is sharing his laughs and wiggles. On the other hand it is a nice break from having a 13 lb. bag of potatoes in my arms all the time. My friend says to me "funny how your priorities change, isn't it?". She is so right. Now this career choice is just a job.

He has started to roll over with the right circumstances. He tries & tries on the carpet but I guess it's too flat. I had him in the yard yesterday & he did it a few times. He was naked. I think he liked that! He is cooing & gooing more & more, he'll be speaking back to me soon!

I can't always comprehend this love I feel, the responsibility of it all, or how this wonderful creature is now such a big part of my life.

One big question is how does a sometimes feminist like me raise a man-child to be a gentleman, to be compassionate and supportive to a woman's needs and still be the man he needs to be? hmmm, I guess I just have new issues to dwell on!